Mental Health is No Game

One night that Matt and I went out and I left my good bye letter to him in his pants pocket. Matt’s good bye letter said for him to move on once I am gone, that I am tired of making his life more difficult. I also told him that I could not deal with the emotional pain that I was feeling anymore. I wrote on the outside of the letter for him to read once he got home. He listened to that and as soon as he got home I got a call. He was telling me that I do not make his life complicated. He also stated that he loves me and would not be able to move on without me. Matt said that needed me and does not want to lose me. Did that make me feel better and like I wanted to continue living? Not at all. In fact that just made me feel worse because now he felt like he had to watch me to make sure that I did not do anything to myself. Matt made me promise to him that I would not do anything to myself and that if I felt like harming myself that I would call him. I agreed to that but continued to cut myself when I felt the need. After about 3 years of living with my parents Matt and I decided that it would be better for my mental health if I moved out. Matt and I found an apartment and signed the lease. We were all set to move at the beginning of the year. I was excited for a new start with the man that I love. The time came and we moved into the apartment. Everything was going well until it wasn’t. I started to go back down the dark path again. The dark cloud was back again and this time even worse than the times before. It got to the point that Matt was so worried about me he begged me to find help. I told him that I had tried several times and was not looking forward to being let down again. He convinced me to try again so I got online and found a therapist that was close by and made an appointment. I met with the therapist and everything went well. I figured it was the first appointment of course it was going to go well. I went back the following week and again it went very well. I started to feel more hopeful about the future. I continued to see the therapist every week for a few months and we talked about my past and what bothers me. We talked about ways to help calm my anxiety. We also talked about things to do outside of self harm, like what to do when I felt the need to cut. After months of once a week visits we decided that it was time for me to try some medication to help with all the new techniques that I learned to cope. We also switched to every other week visits. The medication started to make a huge difference and the dark cloud was going away. The next step was getting help for my PTSD.